Bear is out of town visiting his son til Monday so I’m a Lady of the town.

Big plans.  Tonight going to Danny’s house to have “Girl’s Night In”.  First comes the large drink to-go making, then it’s off to the Pedicure salon, I’m stoked!  My piggies need it!  We’re going to drink vodka, watch Sex and the City movie, and some -quote Danny- ”shoot them up bang bang” movie (thank god the gay guy didn’t make me watch ANOTHER chick flick! haha). 

Tomorrow is packing day, next weekend is the big move!  8 days away!  Then Danny is trying to get me to go to a men’s gay club with him and his friend.  Sounds like a blast, but hell, I can’t keep up with him, and he’s in the mid 30s!  I’d like to stay home and pack, and NOT SPEND MONEY, but he may convince me otherwise.  If I go.. that’ll make for an interesting blog!

Sunday is beer, football, and -hurry up and pack as much as you can like you packed Saturday too- catch up day. 

This is my list of things to do.  I forget too easy…

Two weeks from today we will finally be in our new place!  After waking this morning to a little line of ants traveling to my cup in the sink, I’m sooo ready to be out of this apartment.  I had left my empty juice cup in the sink, without rinsing it.  Last night was the first night we got to sleep with the windows open!!!!! *swoon*  To my surprise, these little buggers crawled up a flight, and thru my open kitchen window.

BAH!

I can’t wait.

At 26, less than two months from 27, I find myself pulling out many adult comments such as:

“What is she wearing?  She is way too young!”

“When I was your age”  *shiver*  Stupid younger cousins!

“I hate that I am a friend on Myspace, she says things, and I panic!  She’s to young for that!”  (I was doing that at that age too)  *cringe*

“I can’t wear that, it looks too teenager”  *sniff sniff tear*

“We had great shows when we were kids… what the hell is Anime?!”

“The original Nintendo was so badass!”

“Powerpad was THE BEST!”

“I’ve had that table for 10 years!”

 Disclosure:  I realize I am still young.  No need to scoff at my thought of being old.  I have only known 26 years.  It’s all I know…  talk to you soon blog

I am going from a newer apartment with new appliances, faux granite countertops, new door handles, neat little white cabinets with brushed steel knobs… to… older apartment complex, re-finished countertops, CARPETED PATIO (wtf?! “Um, Miss Apt. Complex lady, can I rip this up please?!”) and horizontal blinds!  HORIZONTAL!  Can you believe it?!?!

Ok, so I really like the layout, and for the money we can spend on it, we got a great deal.  Fine and dandy, I suppose.  it’s a really cute complex with lush green trees and grass.  We’re on a corner (nice!) and first floor.  Ok, ok, it’s not that bad.  I’m just used to living differently.  I need to pull my apartment snob stick out of me bum and get over it.  I need to knock it off.

Bah!

I’m scared to lose again, to have jumped out sooo far and not know my way back.

I’m scared my body has started shutting down already, and you’re already fading out of my heart.  We won’t know right away, but the feeling will fade unless repaired.  I don’t know that for sure.  I’ve seen em fade quite fast.  They’re gone before even I know it, sometimes…

I’ve cried more, I’ve been more angry, I’ve fought harder, I’ve smiled less, all before.  This time worries me the most.  Will I ever be able to believe that love is more than this?  Will I ever be able to repair my jaded heart and open it to love again someday? 

That switch, it mostly turns off on it’s own.  I actually FORCED it to come on this time.  Do you even know that?  Do you even have a flippin clue as to what I’ve been through?  I can tell you, but I don’t think that the words make it to the final destination.  I don’t think they sink in.  No, I know they don’t. 

MOVING IN, how much more of a commitment can you expect from me?  I don’t want to live miserably for a year.  Have to let you walk on my ways.  You say you’re not going to change, well I won’t either.  NOT IN RETALIATION,  just because that’s not who I am. 

I’m sick sick sick to my stomach and sick sick sick of you fighting with me over food, bathmats… it’s silly and not worth it.  I went from not fighting at all with him, to the polar opposite, you.  I’m new to this, so try and take it gentle.  Respect my wishes.  Knock it off.

I don’t know what to do here.  I don’t know what to say, or do differently.

Could moving come at a worse time?  Deposit is down, 30 day is in, and here we are, the breaking day of it all.

I want to scream at you and tell you to just chill out and get over yourself.  That would most likely make it worse. 

So then I write to you, and I don’t hear back.

I start to get nervous.  Then I go and talk to you on the phone.  Relief.  To hear your voice, and work it out when we are calm.. it’s refreshing.  See?  I need time we need time.  When we fight, we need to take the time to walk away and cool our jets.  It works.  It really does, trust me on this one. 

I will work on my tone, I understand I can be condesending.  I believe you will notice a big change in us.  We’re moving in 18 days.  Let’s do this and smile while we’re at it.

The new place is a new start, I’m not done with you yet

Bear and I officially got approved for our new place today 09.27.2008!  We move in the 19th of October.  I am so excited!  

Things are going awesome.  Bear stopped drinking and so the fights aren’t there anymore.  I’m in a place where I’ve never been.  Things are going my way FINALLY!  Wow.  I’m on a cloud, I will rate this cloud A 9!!!

I haven’t blogged to myself in a while.  I’m disappointed in myself, but honestly, I’ve been working so hard to improve my life, I haven’t had the time!  Bear is at work, I’ve completed all my tasks I’ve laid upon myself and feel pretty damn good.

Apparently my credit is creeping towards a decent level of approval, and I’m so excited after my eviction years and stupid years ago to once again, be able to call something, not only my own, but be apart of “ours”.  

Funny how life changes.  The Ex is back in Boston for his cousin’s wedding.  I’d love to be there, but it’s good that I’m not.  It’s time to put his family in a Cedar chest in my heart, and move on with my life.  It’s imperative.  

The new place is lovely.  Two bedroom.. two bath.  PLENTY of storage, roman tub, and a WONDERFUL kitchen to cook in.  My level of excitement has jumped 3 fold!  I can see myself already obsessively unpacking and dancing around to Dire Straits with a big fat smile on my face!  Deep breath, I’m letting it all sink in.  Thanks to my guard that stepped away for a day.. he checks in every once in a while, but I tell him to scoot… his services are no longer needed.  

My need for unpacking is INSANE!  I can’t wait to see all my kitchen tool lovelies all over again.  Altho the Crock-pot has been recovered (thanks to Mom for being the labeling Queen!  Box says: “Kitchen CROCK POT”)  she’s the best.  My favorite Kitchen Store spatula, and my electric skillet, and *sigh* *swoon*, my chopper and knife set are locked away.  They’re probably scared in that dark square place, quivering, praying for release.  Oh mama, it’s gunna be good.

The Roommate reminded me who she really is.  A hypochondria ct, a pathological liar, an exaggerator, and truly a dumb dramatic bitch.  She fronts this sweet little innocent dumb girl, and on the inside is planning her next attack.  GOD I am SO FLIPPIN GLAD to be moving out of there.  I’m not going to keep anything there, it’s all coming with me, I don’t trust her “you can keep it here until the new place is ready” B.S.!!!!!!!!!!

My day was going well, a little busy, but good.  I was maintaining a positive attitude, and taking a deep breath as to not get worked up.  Then the day went to shit.  Sneaky little friend of mine whom I bought the couches from (and she knows I told her I was going to pay her the other half PER OUR AGREEMENT on Friday…) and calls me on my desk phone.  This is so weird to me, because I didn’t even know she HAD that number.  Interesting.  Didn’t even try me on my personal, nor my work cell first.  Sneaky.  She tried to talk but I was so busy I said I’d call her later.  Every time she calls, she talks about how her new “career” ~stripping~ isn’t making her enough money.  I remind her “we agreed on money right away, and the other half on my next paycheck”… and she says she’s checking in, just to say hi, not to talk about that.  Even tho she asks…..  (picture me with a hardcore blank stare here)

My job apparently is considered “jack of all trades”… NOT by me.

I like is “I just assumed you would know”, or I love love:

Them: “hey, can you work with me on something real quick?”

Me: “I’m really busy, maybe later?  If it’s super quick I can probably help out…”

Them:  “Never mind, I can do it myself.”

THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Sigh.

I need a drink.

Soooo all this is fine and dandy, other then I’m freaking out because I don’t like hospitals, nor do I like the thought of putting me out so they can squish around in my insides… but they are also leaving a small transmitter inside of my stomach attached to .. can’t remember.  I have to wear this thing on my hip so it can talk to it and record what’s going on.  Apparently this “thing” will detach after several days and pass through my GI Tract.  Ok, seriously??  You’re leaving it INSIDE ME?!?!?!  Then I go back and they’ll download the information.  This will tell if I have acid reflux, if they can’t determine from the scope alone.

The best part week before, I can’t take my Protonix (40mg), or any Prilosec, or anything that “aids” in my digestive problems.  OH MY GOD ARE YOU FLIPPIN KIDDING ME?!  I can’t believe this.  I’m going to DIE!  So my symptoms are a sour sensation in the upper part of my chest, and trouble swallowing.  Well, I can swallow, but it never feels like I complete a swallow.  It still feels like I have ightchst in my throat!  Yea, it’s great.

Other good news?  I have to quit smoking.  Ug.  It will severly help my esophagus, and improve my health overall… which I get, yea yea yea.  I’m going to hopefully get on what the Roommate is on, it’s a generic form of Welbutrin.  I guess it helps you stay satisfied, as to not need cigs.  Mainly the reason why she has smoked lately is because of habit, but she says she doesn’t “crave” them.  That’ll be nice… and she said her sense of smell is intense.  That’ll be nice too, I guess.  I just know that now I have to completely change my life, and I’m deathly scared to do so. 

Here’s the kicker.  I have to come up with $500!  $333.73 goes to my Dr.’s office at the latest the day before (cash).  Then I guess the hospital asks for the rest.  Here I am budgeting, and saving for the new place, and I get hit with this.  I can schedule this anytime, but I know the sooner the better.  I want to stop the non-smoking process before I go a week and a half without medication.  I’m supposed to get active, and de-stress.  Maybe that will make it easier, but I don’t see the next few months making me my generally chipper self. 

I’m thinking about sending a mass Email, memo, letter… hmm… SOMETHING to all that I talk to on a regular basis.  It will say something like this:

Dear So & So,

I am undergoing a minimal procedure soon that will make me a healthier person. During the preparation for this procedure, I will be bitchy, unhappy, and snide. Please do not smoke around me, nor offer to take me to a nice dinner to my favorite Mexican food joint. I do not encourage you to ask me to happy hour, nor to any function that includes “BYOB”, “Cocktail party”, or “wine tasting”. If I bite your head off, and rip off your arms, you have been previously warned, and I will not be held responsible for any bodily harm. During this time I express the need for you to agree with me even though you disagree, listen to any/all rants that I go on (without interrupting), and to pretty much shut your mouth when you are in my presence. I appreciate your support, and I would like to now extend my sincere apologies for the future interactions we may have. You are very important to me, and I’d like to keep you in my life if you will have me after this all dies down. When the day comes and I need to stay busy, I would be happy if you accepted a small basket of muffins. Kind of like a “thank you for holding out during the storm” peace offering.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to be speaking with you, still, in a few months.

Best regards,

Katlily

… what do you think?

I’m back to work.  The only thing I have to look forward to, despite this weekend, is the ONE vacation day I’m taking next Friday.  Bear and I are taking it off together, and we’re going to make a whole fun day of things.  Maybe even some packing of my things (his idea.. joy.).

Today is chaos.  It’s like someone kicked the sand into the anthole, and all us little ants are scurrying to rebuild our mountain. 

So the saving money is not going according to plan, but that’s expected.  Not til I move into Bear’s in September will the money saving resume.  It’ll be a great diet!  Eating poor for a whole month.  Brings me back!  Budget shopping is quite fun tho, I play a little game with it, sounds lame but it’s true!

SO I think I’ll write more later so I can return to digging another pathway to the surface to see the light of day before it fades.

I’ll be back, blog, I’ve missed you!