I made a HUGE jump into this.  It was HUGE for me, don’t you see?

I’m scared to lose again, to have jumped out sooo far and not know my way back.

I’m scared my body has started shutting down already, and you’re already fading out of my heart.  We won’t know right away, but the feeling will fade unless repaired.  I don’t know that for sure.  I’ve seen em fade quite fast.  They’re gone before even I know it, sometimes…

I’ve cried more, I’ve been more angry, I’ve fought harder, I’ve smiled less, all before.  This time worries me the most.  Will I ever be able to believe that love is more than this?  Will I ever be able to repair my jaded heart and open it to love again someday? 

That switch, it mostly turns off on it’s own.  I actually FORCED it to come on this time.  Do you even know that?  Do you even have a flippin clue as to what I’ve been through?  I can tell you, but I don’t think that the words make it to the final destination.  I don’t think they sink in.  No, I know they don’t. 

MOVING IN, how much more of a commitment can you expect from me?  I don’t want to live miserably for a year.  Have to let you walk on my ways.  You say you’re not going to change, well I won’t either.  NOT IN RETALIATION,  just because that’s not who I am. 

I’m sick sick sick to my stomach and sick sick sick of you fighting with me over food, bathmats… it’s silly and not worth it.  I went from not fighting at all with him, to the polar opposite, you.  I’m new to this, so try and take it gentle.  Respect my wishes.  Knock it off.

I don’t know what to do here.  I don’t know what to say, or do differently.

Could moving come at a worse time?  Deposit is down, 30 day is in, and here we are, the breaking day of it all.

I want to scream at you and tell you to just chill out and get over yourself.  That would most likely make it worse. 

So then I write to you, and I don’t hear back.

I start to get nervous.  Then I go and talk to you on the phone.  Relief.  To hear your voice, and work it out when we are calm.. it’s refreshing.  See?  I need time we need time.  When we fight, we need to take the time to walk away and cool our jets.  It works.  It really does, trust me on this one. 

I will work on my tone, I understand I can be condesending.  I believe you will notice a big change in us.  We’re moving in 18 days.  Let’s do this and smile while we’re at it.

The new place is a new start, I’m not done with you yet